FEAST

I am disgusted that we annually minimize the continuing genocide against indigenous people with a celebratory feast that slaughters literally millions of turkeys (the National Turkey Federation estimates that 45 million were killed in the 2009 thanksgiving season alone). The myth of Thanksgiving is, by design, a tool to justify early European imperialism in North America, and excuse its atrocities.

I did, however, have a feast on thanksgiving day; it was delicious and considering that everyone there understood the implications of the holiday, an all vegan thanksgiving was kind of subversive. Now that its been a month and finals are over, I'mma finally post the photos.



Our theme was things shaped like other things. We had a full spread:
Cock Roast (made the night before, reheated the day of the Feast)
Sour Dough Stuffing (prepped the night before, baked the day of)
Mashed 'Tater Casserole (prepped the night before, baked the day of)
Rainbow Chard (day of)
Heart Biscuits (night before, reheated with roast)
Gravy (day of)
Cranberry Sauce (day of)
PIE! not pictured above; it'll get its own entry later

Recipes down here
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Hmmm... that thing in the middle looks kind of like a...



Cock-Roast (AKA Seitan's Penis)!
This does require a novelty penis pan, but I discovered that the recipe fit into one that was just lying around my co-op. I fudged a recipe from Bryanna's Vegan Feasts, it takes awhile so it might be a good idea to prepare it the day before your feast.

You will need:
2 c.gluten flour
1/2 c. bean flour (I blend about 2/3 a cup red lentils in my blender until it is a very fine powder, but you can use soy or chickpea(besan) flour with good results)
1/2 c. nutritional yeast flakes
2 tsp. onion powder
2 tsp. garlic granules (or more)
1tsp. pepper
12 oz. firm tofu (if you can't do soy 1 cup of cooked, mashed beans will work)
1 and 1/2 c. water
3 T. soy sauce (a little salt water, marmite dissolved in a bit of water, or diluted vegan Worcestershire sauce all work fine)
1 T. olive oil

1. In a blender or food processor blend your tofu (or whatever) with the other wet ingredients until very smooth. I use a little more oil than a Tablespoon of oil and I think it gives the roast more character.
2. Mix the dry ingredients well in a large bowl, or standing mixer with a dough hook.
3. Add in the dry ingredients and mix until a dough-ball forms. Let it rest for about ten minutes.
4. Knead for about 10 minutes, let it rest for a bit, then knead for another ten minutes. This is a lot of work to do by hand, but it pays off in the roasts texture.


5. Let it rest for about an hour and prepare a basting broth

Basting Broth (you can eyeball the spices, but be sparing with turmeric):
2 cups hot water
1/4 cup nutritional yeast flakes
1/2 Tbs onion powder
1/2 Tbs sea salt
1 tsp sweetener (I use sucranat you can use maple syrup, but use the real stuff and maybe a tablespoon
1 tsp garlic granules or powder
1/2 tsp black pepper
1/2 tsp dried thyme
1/2 tsp finely crumbled dried sage (less if it's powder)
1/2 tsp oregano
1/2 tsp paprika
1/2 tsp turmeric
2 T. olive oil
4 cloves garlic, crushed


6. preheat your oven to 325 degrees
   
7. Pinch your dough ball into a rough cock-and-balls shape and press it into your oiled novelty pan. A loaf pan will work, but you might consider splitting it in half and using two loaf pans; Bryanna also talks about using an oval clay cooker, but I've never tried.
8. Try to get as much basting broth on the cock as possible, without spilling to much on the sides of the pan, and put it in the oven for about 4 hours, basting heavily every 1/2 hour or so. If you're using a loaf pan, just pour the basting broth in, and there's no need to reapply.
9. If you have a novelty mold, flip out your roast onto a lightly oiled cookie sheet, baste heavily and put that bad boy back in for about another 2 hours, basting regularly. If you're using a loaf pan, just flip it.
10. When its a little lighter than the one pictured below, it is done.
    

Delicious. If you make it the night before, it only takes about 15-20 minutes at 350 to reheat.

Sourdough Stuffing

Stuffing is self explanatory: toast the bread, saute the vegetables, combine and bake. It practically makes itself but breaking it down can't hurt.
You need:
4 carrots
4 stalks of celery
1 small onion
1/2-2/3 loaf sour dough (best if its a bit stale, bakery dumpsters often have a lot of this)
1 cup water, broth, or mushroom soaking liquid (from rehydrating dried mushrooms)
2 tsp sage
2 tsp garlic granules
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp coriander
1/2 tsp allspice
olive oil for toasting and sauteing

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees
   
2. Cube the bread, smaller is generally better, but its definitely a personal taste thing.
   
3. Toss cubes on a cookie sheet with olive oil, and maybe a bit of salt and pepper.
4. Toast until golden, stirring regularly, no more than 30 minutes.
5. While your bread is toasting, dice your vegetables.
   
6. In a large sauce pan, saute the onions with the salt and pepper, until they start to become translucent. (be sure to remove your bread from the oven)
   
7. Add your carrots, and as they get to temperature add the celery.
8. When your celery gets to temperature, add your other spices,
9. When your mirepoix (vegetable mix) starts to become a bit tender, add the broth and stir until the broth is hot.
10. Combine everything in a mixing bowl and toss to spread the juices around.
11. Put it in a greased casserole, and bake for about 45 minutes at 350.

Do not expect leftovers

Mashed 'Tater Casserole
Or Casserole des Pommes de Terre au Rosemarin avec Duxelles Vegetalienne
Mashed potatoes are delicious, but dull; everyone loves them, but people are afraid of change and won't dare to tamper with tradition. Fuck that.

For the vegan Duxelles:
~1 pound of mushrooms
4-6 shallots
1 medium onion
5-6 cloves of garlic
2 tsp dry rosemary, measured then crushed (or 1 Tbl fresh rosemary, chopped)
1 tsp oregano
1 tsp sage
salt and pepper
~2 Tbl olive oil

For the 'Taters
~3-5 pounds potatoes
a handfull of rosemary
salt and pepper to taste
1/4 cup olive oil... don't judge me.

1. Set a large pot of salted water on to boil, not too salty, you might want to use the cooking liquid.
   
2. Preheat your oven to 375.
   
3. Chop the potatoes into course chunks, and when the water boils drop 'em in.
   
4. While yur 'taters are a-cookin', chop the onions, mushrooms, and shallots fine.
5. In a medium saucepan heat some oil, then saute the shallots and onions with a bit of salt and pepper until they become transluscent. (remember to keep testing your 'taters for mashability)
   
6. Add in your garlic, mushrooms and herbs, and continue to saute until the mushrooms are tender.
7. Drain your 'taters, reserve liquid for gravy (if you wanna). Mash 'em with a little oil, and herbs. They're a lot thicker than your standard mashed taters, it's a good thing.
8. Grease a 3 quart casserole (~13" x 9" x 2"), and put down a thick-ish (~.25"-.5") layer of 'tater, spread evenly.
   
9. Cover that evenly with your duxelle (the shallot-mushroom-onion stuff)
   
10. Repeat this process until the casserole is filled, make sure you've enough for a layer of 'tater on top.
    
11. Drizzle the top with a little olive oil, or place a few chunks of coconut oil if you're feeling really decadent.
12. Bake for about 45 minutes, or until the top has nice hints of gold.

Mashed potatoes don't know what they're missing.

Rainbow Chard
The queerest vegetable!

You need:
2 bunches of rainbow chard
6-12 cloves of garlic
1 large or 2 medium onions
1 tsp of sugar
a generous splash (~3 Tbl) of vinegar (apple cider or balsamic)
2 Tbl olive oil
salt and pepper

1. Chop your onions and your chard into bite-sized bits. I separate the stems from the leaves 'cause they take a little longer to cook.
   
2. In a medium-to-large-ish fry pan or wok, saute the onions in the olive oil with some salt and pepper.
   
3. When the onions start to get translucent, add the chard stems and garlic.
   
4. When those are to temperature, add your leaves, sugar and vinegar. Stir, cover, and turn the heat down to medium-low.
5. Continue steaming for 5-10 more minutes, stirring fairly often. When the leaves start to get bright green, poor the pan's contents into a serving unit you can cover.

Heart-Shaped Biscuits
I used my general biscuit recipe, but I didn't have any coconut mylk on-hand so I used 1/4 cup hazlenut butter dissolved in 1 1/4 cups water (I also used more baking soda, I think ours gets less potent 'cause it sits out). I happened to have a heart-shaped cookie-cutter on hand, so I rolled out the dough roughly (if you mess with it too much it gets chewy, and hard) to about 3/4" thick and wiggled the cutter a little as I pressed so the sides wouldn't get all pinched together.

Food that is shaped like other things just tastes better.

Gravy
I doubled my gravy recipe, but I used olive oil and potato cooking liquid in place of water, which lends nutrition and nuance.

Cranberry Sauce
Like stuffing it practically makes itself; I like the stuff in a jar because it is novel, retro, and absurd, but tastewise, it can never compare to the homemade stuff; a hint of lemon and love make all the difference. Jesus I sound like fuckin' Martha Stewart... it's a good thing.

You Need:
1 cup some kind of juice (orange works great, water is fine, but you might want more sugar)
1 cup sucanat (or sweetener of your choice)
1 pound cranberries
a little cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, and/or cloves

1. Put all your ingredients in a pot, bring it to a boil, reduce it to a simmer.
2. Let it simmer until all of the berries have exploded.
3. Pour into a mold and allow it to cool before serving.

Biscuits and Gravy

Gluten-free biscuits and gravy, served with a chard and kale salad and roasted romanescu.


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Gluten-free Biscuits:

• 4 cups brown rice flour
• 2 Tbs Xanthan gum (omit if you're using gluten-containing flour)
• 1 1/2 Tbs baking powder
• 1 tsp Salt
• 1 tsp of rosemary and/or oregano (optional)
• 1/2 cup Fat; I like coconut oil or refrigerated olive oil.
  
• 1 1/2 cups of coconut (or some other nut) mylk + 1 1/2 tsp vinegar

1. In a food processor, combine the dry ingredients and blend for about 30 seconds
2. Run food processor and stream in oil. You may have to scrape down the sides a little, but keep running it until the oil is evenly distributed.
3. Stream in the soured coconut milk, and then quickly turn off the processor; overmixing will make your biscuits chewy and rubbery, and will interfere with their fluffiness.
4. Roll or pat out your dough, and cut it into squares or circles. A can is about biscuit sized and makes an excellent biscuit-cutter, but squares have a nice rustic feel.
5. bake at 400 for 10-15 minutes
   

I don't usually use a recipe for my gravy, but it looks something like this:

• 1/4 cup fat (coconut oil is delicious)
• 2 Tbs brown rice flour
• 1 pound mushrooms
• 1/4 cup tamari (or other wheat-free soy sauce)
• 1 1/2 cup water
• Salt and pepper to taste
• herbs and spices to taste (I like oregano, fennel, nutritional yeast, and coriander)
  

1. Whisk your flour into your fat, then heat it over medium-low heat, whisking almost constantly. Its important to add the flour a little at a time, or your gravy may be lumpy.
   
2. While your, roux is cooking, puree your mushrooms. Add water and tamari as it starts to pass minced. You should have a smooth liquid when your done, add more water as needed.
   
3. Continue to cook your flour in fat until it gets a nicely light gold color (this is called a blond roux).
4. Whisk salt and pepper into your roux, about a teaspoon each.
5. Slowly whisk your liquids into the roux; water has an enthalpy of vaporization of ~539 calories per gram, so it will burn the fuck out of you if you hold your hand in it.
6. Add herbs, salt, and pepper to taste.
   

The romanescu was roasted in the oven at 400 degrees, with a bit of salt, pepper, and nutritional yeast. The salad was just kale, chard, and over-sized lemon cucumber with a tahini (sesame-seed paste) dressing. I'm pretty ball-park about dressing usually, but the dressing went something like this:

• 3/4 cup tahini (raw and roasted are both delicious)
• 1/4 cup olive oil
  
• 3 Tbs tamari
• 2 Tbs vinegar
• salt and pepper to taste
• 1/4 cup nutritional yeast
• herbs and spices to your liking
  
• water for consistency

Whisk everything together except the water, then add water until you have a nice salad dressing type consistency. Its awesome.

Zucchini can get really huge if you let them; and in the midst of a zucchini glut, zucchini bread is a gardener's best friend. Vegan zucchini bread is sexy as fuck. The end.

Recipe is scalable but it goes like this:

• 2 cups grated zucchini
• 3T Flax Meal
• 3T Starch (I used Arrowroot Powder)
• 3T Oil
• 3T Water
  
• 1 cup Sugar
• 2 tsp vanilla extract
• 3 cups whole wheat flour
  
• 1 1/2 T baking powder
• 1 T cinnamon
• 1 tsp salt
  

(optional spices)

• 2 tsp nutmeg
• 1 tsp cardamom
• 1 tsp ginger

(~400°F)
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First, you've got to get your zucchini down to gratible size.


Then, recruit some graters, anyone hanging around on the roof of your cooperative at about 1AM ought to do. Don't have a cooperative roof from which to recruit? We're accepting applications.


Get some cheesecloth and squeeze the fuck out of your zucchini bits. Be sure to extract at least three cups of fuck for a zucchini of this size.


We had approximately 13 cups of zucchini; which meant approximately 20 flax eggs. A flax egg is:

• 1T Ground Flax (x 20 = 1 1/4 cup)
  
• 1T Starch (arrowroot is what I use)
• 1T Oil
• 1T Water
  

Whisk your flax eggs together, then add your sugar. It is a good idea to whip some air into it if you have the technological capacity. Add spices (including vanilla), and well, you know...


Sift your flour, salt, and baking powder together, and mix it in to your flax egg, but only for a second 'cuz you don't want to overmix your flour and end up with zucchini bricks, lovely though they are as architectural accents.


Its time to start mixing with the dough hook (though a wooden spoon works well in small scale operations), add in your zucchini.


Sharing is caring.




Stir until just mixed.




Grease your pan and ladle it out. We had enough to make eight GIANT loaves, and our ultra-bread pans can do 4 at a time.



This shot is from about half way through; 4 at a time they took about an hour (actually our oven is cold so it took a bit longer, but it got quick when we turned it up.





If you have a wooden skewer or a toothpick, stabbing it into the middle to see if it comes out mostly clean is the best way to know its done. Also, it should be fucking beautiful.




It should be golden brown and it should smell like awesome.


The bottom should get pretty dark; if you flour the pan after you grease it it will probably come out easier. Use the back of a butter knife to loosen it once its cooled a little bit.


Eat with espresso, sunrise, and a sad song. Its the breakfast of interesting people; the champions are counterrevolutionary.

Homemade Tortillas

It has been a minute since the last time I posted, however two new recipes have been photographed and are in the works, so more deliciousness to come. This one doesn't have a guestmouth, but it does feature cute old people; making it the first installment in my two part series on cute old people and flat breads.

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Wheat tortillas are simple, require no special or hard-to-find ingredients, and are cheap as hell even if you use really high quality flour. I used chemical treated crap, but the tortillas still came out decently tasty.

So the recipe is highly scalable but the ratio is about:

1 cup of flour to

2/3 tsp baking powder

1/3 tsp salt

1/3-1/2 cups water; more of a guideline, just add enough so you can make a soft dough

2 Tbs oil (high heat oil like rape seed, olive not reccomended)

It works best with multiples of three, but as long as you get your flour : oil : water balance right, and mix carefully you can do no wrong.

Mix the dry ingredients together fully, then add your oil. I used grapeseed, which tastes a little odd by itself and comes from Argentina and Portugal (I don't understand how exactly that works), but again it was just what I had on hand. When school rolls around we'll make more sustainable food choices.

Your flour mix should get kinda crumbly, kind of like cornmeal. Its ok to really mix it in there; don't worry about the gluten getting over developed because its just fat.

Add your water in small additions and mix carefully.

If you add all the water your dough may well be too sticky, so treat it as a guideline. When you've got a good dough going, knead it for about ten minutes. I made this recipe with 9 cups of flour, so kneading was a serious workout; but hopefully it will help me fend off that carpal tunnel syndrome.

Your dough should be so soft that you can make it into a baby.

Cover your baby in a clean, wet towel (or a clean, wet teeshirt if no one has done laudry for your kitchen cloths all summer) and let it rest for a good 15 minutes. This will let your gluten relax, and will make the dough more manageable when you're rolling it out.

Knead your dough baby for another minute, then lovingly cut it to small pieces. You want them to be a little larger than a golf ball, but much smaller than a tennis ball.

Roll them into nice even balls, then watch this cute little old lady show you how to roll them:

This is what the internet is for.

At about 29 seconds in you can observe her technique:

1. she rolls it out one direction

2. she flips in and rotates about 45 degrees

3. she repeats this process.

The key wisdom from grama is to not roll from the center, or rotate your pin mid-roll, but press ever onward, and flip the tortilla around when it needs new direction.

Then heat 'em up. We have well seasoned cast iron so we didn't really need to oil our pan. Don't let them get as brown as the picture, or they'll crack when you try to roll them.

Eat them with whatever you like, but nothing beats beans, greens, and rice in my book. The collards were straight from the garden and almost sweet, I sautéed 'em with some onions and garlic, and I threw in some beans from a food box that had been laying around for over a year. I made the rice with a little salt, lemon pepper, and nutritional yeast in the water from the start. It was delicious.

Like grama said, you can also shallow fry these to make some killer fry bread. I added a little cinnamon sugar, and I ate almost 4 to myself. Dangerously tasty.

Lasagna

Vegan Lasagna. Easily one of my favorite foods, but making it is a bit of a time commitment (so. fucking. worth it.) , so be sure that you've budgeted a good couple of hours, or make your tofu ricotta, and saucey vegetables ahead of time.

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You will need:

• Sacucy Goodness any jar of tomato sauce will do, and I made a vegan bechamel once that worked great for this
• ~2 16oz packages of tofu (buy local, Surata is awesome)
• Nutritional yeast
• Garlic
• Apple cider vinegar
• Seasonal vegetables (I used sweet peppers, zucchini, and rainbow chard)
• Mushrooms!

First, you chop your veggies:

The easiest way to stem in and seed your peppers, in my experience, is to halve them, then yank out their placenta with your bear hands. Its easier to use your fingers for this, I promise; your hands are the best tools you've got.

I like to halve my halves, halve those, then halve them once more. I like to use the verb halve, but this means cut them into sixteenth-strips if you find multiple fractions challenging.

Dice 'em up. I do them small so I can throw them in with the greens, if you overcook them they get bitter.

Decapitate your zucchini.

Halve them and cut them into little half moons; I do them thin so they cook fast.

Mushrooms take forever, so I like to dice 'em up real fine.

Run your knife down the sides of the chard stem to remove the leafy bits, which you'll chop seperately 'cuz they cook fast. Cut off the skinny tops of the stem, then cut the thick bits in half so you have spears of about the same width.

Dice up your stems kinda small, and halve your chard leaves and cut them into quarter inch by half leaf-width strips.

Sautee your mushrooms in a little olive oil over about medium heat, if you're using onion, add it here. Just sautee until they get a good brown, then add salt.

Throw in your zucchini moons, and your chard stems and let them get kinda soft (we're gonna bake 'em too, so don't make 'em mush just yet).

Toss in your chard and your peppers and bring them to temperature. This takes less than a minute.

Add in your saucy goodness until it just starts to get hot, then kill the heat.

Now press about 8 cloves of garlic in there; there's no such thing as too much.

Mash your tofu together, but don't use a spatula, it doesn't work. if you have a potato macher they work pretty well.

Season up your tofu with a little vinegar, nutritional yeast, salt, pepper, and if you have any, a little bit of miso makes it taste really good.

This is after we gave up on mashing with a spatula, and just blended it in the food processor; it was ok, but the texture was almost too smooth.

We were in a hurry so we added some water to the sauce and didn't boil the noodles. I reccomend at least soaking the noodles in warm water first. I put down a layer of noodles, spread on my tofu mix...

Add saucy veggies add more noodles and repeat.

On the top layer, just stop at the tofu mix step; we were running kinda low on noodles at this point.

Sprinkle some nutritional yeast on that.

And its ready to go into the oven. About an hour at 350. If your not boiling or saoking your noodles, I reccomend covering it with a lid or some foil.

It is important at this point that you dance to appease the lasagna goddesses. Neila is an athiest, but she was willing to indulge in the tradition for anthropological purposes.

Let it get all brown and awesome on top, like so.

Cut into cute little squares and eat quickly, or it will disappear.

UPDATE: Sean(Davenport) is the guestmouth for this blog and did a bunch of the footwork and was generally indespensible in the lasagna process, but I'm not linking to his blog because he was so snarky about it :-P. You're welcome.